“America’s Next Vampire,” screams the poster. Some sort of televised competition. You sigh.
For awhile, you had thought vampires were the only magical group with sense. Apparently, you were wrong. Dear lord, to what lengths certain vampire sects have sunk.
Being a vampire used to mean something.
Only certain people could be vampires. Only certain people would be honored with the strength; the power; the immortality; the elite family and connections.
They had one thing going for them: they were exclusive. Now they’re letting anyone in who can win some stupid competition.
It’s probably the sunners. Imbeciles.
It’s not natural. Not vampiric.
Vampires are not supposed to be happy. They are supposed to brood in dark shadows, sleep in coffins, the whole experience! Regrettably, they have had to cease drinking blood — most donors began getting too creeped out, in spite of being willing, introducing into the blood a rather awful aftertaste that reeked of moldy raspberry ice cream cupcakes — but things change, and one day, you’re sure, donors will once again supply delicious blood.
Indeed, with so few well-trained donors, blood is now such a delicacy that only the richest vampires ever indulge in it – which is saying a lot, as the poorest vampire is merely a millionaire.
Instead, you see everyday young vampires walking around outside in the sun, smiling of all things, eating these disgusting blood-flavored lollipops.
Lollipops! Vampires! Lollipops! It just doesn’t fit!
Then they go home, they go to bed on a normal bed – it’s as if they are normal! What’s the point of vampires if they’re normal?
Vampires should brood.
The 40% suicide rate is natural. It’s who they are. Plus, living forever does get old after a time (you’ll ignore that the vast majority of these suicides occur during the first thirty years of vampirism).
Walk in to the sun, they say. Experience happiness, they say.
You’ll go in the sun when you want, all right.
But if a vampire does, you’ll put him in his place.
They don’t belong there.
They should go off and brood.